That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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