I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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