high people should be assigned attendants
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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