the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pants are for mortals
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
