im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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