my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
