I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
