I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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