i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
