First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
