I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
