you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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