I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
