I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
