Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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