I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
