even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
