My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
