either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
