Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
