there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
