let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
