Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
