i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
