I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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