my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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