Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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