meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i barfeds in our rink
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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