You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
