i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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