fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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