also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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