I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
