I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
