Im at strip club and am horny
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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