Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
