2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
