So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
