Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
