well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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