Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
