Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
