Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
