I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
