your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
