Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
