The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
