i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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