My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
