can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
