Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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