Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
