just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
