here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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