I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
