i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
