u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
