As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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