She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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