We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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