Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
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as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
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I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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