sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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