Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
